When I joined three Augustinian sisters for mass last November, I did not take communion because I am no longer Catholic. Not anymore. But this mass wasn’t really about my own complicated feelings about religion. I had come here to learn something from these sisters – something I would have to learn from their silence. They did not speak and for the next three days, I tried not to speak as well, which might not sound like a lot but was oh so much for a chatterbox like me.
I have long identified as a Grade-A people pleaser. A fixer of bad parties and filler of awkward silences. But I have wondered lately, now that I’m middle-aged and have more time to wonder about such things, what this means about me. I have wondered if perhaps I’m hiding behind all this talking. If, perhaps, I’m afraid of who I will be if I do not speak. And so, that is how I found myself at Le Monastère des Augustines on a cold morning in Quebec City, feeling more calm that I had in a long, long time.
At first, it was a struggle to stay quiet. The silence was frightening to me that first night as I tucked myself into one of the guest rooms at the convent-turned-retreat. A huge, yawning, “What is the point of you?” question mark hung over every moment. I wanted to call my sons, my partner, my friends. I wanted to cheat a little, to let them know what I was doing so they could be a witness to my experience.
I did not do it. I read in bed. I breathed. I pulled my silence over me like a sweater I never expected would suit me.
And yet, it did. I found myself connecting in small, manageable little bites that seemed to suit everyone. A smile at breakfast in the on-site restaurant Le Vivoir to say thank you for my oatmeal. A nod to my yoga teacher in the convent’s old stone vault, beautifully converted into special space for guests, to signal I understood the directions. A statue of Mary stood sentry over us all as we namaste-d. I namaste-d to her as well, the most silent of us all.
Clarity came to me here. No one, it turned out, needed me to please them.
I took my silence to nearby Strøm Nordic Spa on the banks of the Saint Lawrence River, where I walked lighter on my feet and floated in a lazy river and didn’t say a word to anyone. The same calm energy stayed with me on a morning meditative walk with a local guide, who shared her love of the Augustinian sisters’ legacy in Quebec City and expected nothing from me in return. She understood my silence.
The Augustinian sisters have lived in cloistered silence at this monastery for more than three centuries, meditating, praying, studying and trying to heal the sick. The first nuns arrived in the 17th century as young women from France. It was a time when women had few choices: marry and have babies or join the convent. This was what they chose, and the more time I spent in the convent, I wonder what I would have chosen.
These sisters were liberated in their own way. They were educated. They had a voting system hundreds of years before Canadian women could vote. They built something together – a convent, a belief in something, a life together in peace and love and quiet.
Their numbers have dwindled to just four nuns still living and worshipping in this convent. As I watched them at mass I think I understood a little more of their silence. I felt power in my silence. I felt closer to myself, my true self.
I wondered if the nuns felt that power too. If their silence felt like independence, like a gift to themselves. If this quiet felt like a return to the women they were but also, like me, a deep communion with the women they lived with every day.
I bowed my head to them at mass on my final morning there. I took communion with them, felt closer to them. I let this lapsed Catholic thing inside of me go.
I went forward in peace.
MAPPED INTEL: To book a stay at the Le Monastère des Augustines, choose from one of their several different wellness packages, all of which include your room (either in the original monastery with shared washroom facilities or an upgraded room in the renovated addition with a private washroom) as well as treatments, meals in Le Vivoir and walking tours.
