Bravo, Allison, for thinking ahead. And the time is right: Spring is a great moment for assessment, of ourselves, and our relationships. Spring is when you are purging the unwanted stuff in your life, and embracing the new stuff you can then invite in. Everyone is happier in spring, so long as you aren’t lugging old baggage around with you into the fresh air, sunshine and new life everywhere. 

On behalf of Allison, I reached out to relationship expert Jen Kirsch, who hosts Date Night With Jen on Newstalk 1010 in Toronto, and appears on many other media outlets, for some thoughts on making love last. “Communication is the biggest element in a healthy relationship”, Kirsch says. “It sounds so basic, and yet it isn’t all. We are all so good at protecting ourselves.” 

She explains further: “Often when we have a thought or feeling or emotion that comes up, we are too quick to try to alleviate that stressor in our body. We react, in the heat of the moment, and end up with bad results and making a much bigger issue for ourselves, and our relationships.” That then becomes a grievance, joining a pile of other grievances and resentments that build up to create the toxic emotions that corrode relationships.

So do have the discussion with your partner, do address things head on, but first, Kirsch says, wait a beat. Calm yourself. Plan the chat. And in the meantime, don’t indulge in picking that scab: things like unloading on your girlfriends (more on that later), or scrolling Instagram looking for people with similar gripes are poor ways of relieving that stressor. 

“In the relationships that mean the most to us, we are so fragile,” she says. “It is scary to be honest with people, and especially our partners.” Take a page instead from singer Elton John, 78, and his filmmaker husband David Furnish, 62. The couple, who met in 1993, have a 30-year tradition of writing cards to each other every Saturday, which is meaningful because that is the day of the week that they met. When they are apart for work, they courier the messages back and forth. Furnish explained to Hello! magazine last year: “I think it is very powerful because there is something about someone’s handwriting that’s revealing of their soul and their essence. It gives you a chance to celebrate the week that’s passed, reflect on the week that’s coming, celebrate the victories, mourn the defeats, mark the important milestones and just check in.”

A big part of communication is, of course, sex and intimacy. For this, Kirsch points to the wonderful example set by Goldie Hawn, 79, and Kurt Russell, 74, longtime (41 years) paramours and loud, proud proponents of keeping the flame alive in bed. “They’ve nailed down how to do this thing,” says Kirsch. “I don’t think sex is make it or break it in a relationship,” she adds, “but if you are not being intimate there is an issue that should be looked at, or talked about, and agreed upon.” There may be health issues to consider, but the main thing is not to avoid talking about the quality or quantity of sex. “You can work with therapists, work on alternative ways to fulfill that need,” she says. We will give the last word on this to Goldie, who told E! News earlier this year that “sex is something that connects you and creates more belonging. People who have healthy sexual relationships usually last longer. But it’s not just because of the act, it is the warmth and intimacy that it creates.”

Another aspect of communication is to know when to not address something at all. Denzel Washington, now 70, got every woman’s attention when he told People magazine a few years ago: “I do what I’m told. I keep my mouth shut.” He has been married to his wife Pauletta, 74, since 1983, and knows that it was her keeping their home and family together while he was off shooting blockbusters.“The difference between a house and a home, it’s a big difference,” he said. “Not to say a man can’t make a home a home, but my wife has made our house a home and raised three beautiful kids.” Washington shows he knows that appreciation, and admiration, are secrets to a lasting relationship. 

In this vein, think back to one of the most famous long-lasting relationships of our time, that of the late Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, who were married for 73 years. In 1997, on the occasion of their golden anniversary, Elizabeth drew on a poem by Milton to craft these words of admiration and tribute to her husband: “He is someone who doesn’t take easily to compliments but he has, quite simply, been my strength and stay all of these years.” Talk about how to do it! Prince Philip had to manage a very difficult power imbalance, especially for their era, in that very public marriage. Elizabeth gave him his due, quietly and elegantly acknowledging his sacrifice, and the importance of his role in her reign.

Kirsch sees the wisdom in these examples. “Denzel knows not to pick fights. Sometimes it is best to just shut up,” she says. “We are taught to pick our battles. No one wants to be bickering. No one wants to be around the bickering couple. Let the unimportant things slide, catch yourself in those moments, when they leave the metal salad bowl in the sink – again. I know it drives you crazy. But letting the small things go makes for a more peaceful relationship.”

It is easy to fall into a pattern of nagging, Kirsch says. To turn that habit around, showing respect for your partner is an important antidote, both in your partner’s presence and to others. “Mention to your partner things about them that you are really proud of,” she says. “Practice that mindset by talking positively about your partner to other people. Be specific with your praise, it really sets the tone for how you retrain yourselves to treat each other.”

Similarly, as she mentioned above about not gossiping (bitching?) about your significant other with your friends, try to curb that bad habit, too. “If you are back-talking, it is not a good look on your partner,” says Kirsch, “and it is not a good look on you. Don’t read the nasty texts out to your girlfriend. Don’t send screenshots.” You are sharing things that should not be shared.

Finally, Kirsch says anyone can benefit from therapy, whether alone or with your partner. But do see the therapist before the big problems start. As Allison and her husband are at a big crossroads in life, now is a good time to get better habits – praise and positivity and better communication skills in place to tackle the next stage of life, stronger, together.

Always asking questions,

—Leanne Delap