High-stress situations are aplenty. And whether you’re up against an unpleasant shift in family dynamics with adult kids, dealing with a difficult client at the office or you’ve got a particularly triggering Karen in your friend group, it can be tough to keep your cool when conflict arises and things get hot. 

If your gut reaction is to snap – no judgment here – you’d likely benefit from a handy little tool called STOP that those who practice dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) are hooked on. DBT – a cousin of the more recognized cognitive behaviour therapy, or CBT – is an evidence-based treatment that helps people develop skills to tolerate stress, strengthen relationships, communicate effectively, manage emotions and be more mindful. “It shares some similarities with CBT, as both approaches help people understand the connection between their thoughts, feelings and behaviours. However, DBT places a much greater emphasis on acceptance alongside change,” says Jessica Heil, a registered psychologist in Calgary. “This balance between acceptance and change is at the heart of DBT, and it teaches us that we can acknowledge our emotions while also working toward change.” 

Physiologically, when you’re faced with a high-stress situation or trigger (ahem, Karen), your brain’s amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) takes over and gets ready for fight or flight. This reduces activity in your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for self-control and logic. Studies show using the STOP tool counteracts this process and makes things feel less intense. “The STOP skill is one of DBT’s distress tolerance skills, designed to help people avoid reacting impulsively in emotionally charged situations,” Heil says. “It’s particularly useful when emotions are heightened and there’s a risk of saying or doing something you may later regret. It creates a pause between an emotional trigger and your response, giving you time to consider your next step before reacting.” 

How To Do It

S is for Stop. Literally freeze – take a pause. Don’t react on your immediate impulse. (This takes practice, obviously. But when you’re starting out it can be helpful to practice physical interruptions that remind you to stop. Visualize an actual stop sign, curl and release your toes, imagine your feet as blocks of cement and stand firm or actually bite your tongue (gently).  

T is for Take a Step Back. Here’s where you mentally and/or physically create distance from yourself and the situation or trigger. 

O is for Observe. “Notice what is happening around you and within you, including your thoughts, emotions, body sensations, urges and environment,” says Heil. This phase relies on labelling or putting your feelings into words. Studies show that when we identify an emotion (“I’m feeling really, really angry right now”) it immediately decreases the intensity of the emotion, calming your nervous system and settling your nerves.

P is for Proceed Mindfully. “You’ll want to choose your next action intentionally, based on your values and goals rather than your emotional impulse,” she says.  

Zoomer Rx

This skill can help you reduce conflict, slow down, make better decisions and act in ways more consistent with your values. Still, there’s no question that skills like this take practice. “STOP is most effective when it’s practiced consistently, not just during moments of crisis. When we repeatedly use a skill, it becomes more familiar and accessible under stress. Repetition helps it become automatic,” says Heil.